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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2013 9:50 pm 
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Oh what I've been missing! How hysterical these are!!!! :Gslap :52


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 1:20 am 
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh restaurant.

Spoiler:
"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 1:25 am 
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A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man. I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 7:51 am 
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Location: Beautiful South Florida
:lol


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 27, 2013 3:02 pm 
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R... MM how funny!! When I need a laugh, I know where to go!! Thanks for the laughs!!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2013 11:27 pm 
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A recent article in the Boston Globe reported that a woman, one Myra Yablonski, has sued Massachusetts General Hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied, “Mr. Yablonski was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:34 am 
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:lol

Nice one Joni

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:34 am 
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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jean Claude Van Damme and Sylvester Stallone are discussing making a film about composers. Van Damme wants to be Handel and Stallone chooses Mozart. Schwarzenegger looks at them and says 'I'll be Bach'.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:34 am 
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Wife comes home from the doctor's and is very flustered, very uptight. Husband asks "What's wrong?"
Wife says "I went to the doctor. He examined me and he said I had a nice va-jay-jay!"
"WHAT?" says the husband, and charges off to the doctor's. He bursts into the doctor's office, grabs him by the throat and forces him up against the wall. "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MY WIFE?" he shouts.
"I gave her a diagnosis. I know she's not happy about it, but it's an accurate diagnosis. What's the problem?"
"YOU SAID SHE HAD A NICE VA-JAY-JAY!"
"No, I said she had Acute Angina".

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:35 am 
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A wife comes home from a doctors appointment and told her husband that her gynecologist said she can't have sex for two weeks; and to that the husband asks: what did your dentist say?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:35 am 
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Snow White and the seven dwarves were all in bed, and they were all feeling happy. Happy got out of bed, so they all felt grumpy instead.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:36 am 
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An English cat, named One Two Three and a French cat, named Un Deux Trois, decided to have a swimming race across the Channel. The English cat won because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:37 am 
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Well, this is not a pretty story.... about 200 dead crows near Hanna, and there was
concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the
crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's
relief.
However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact
with trucks, and only 2% were killed by a car.

The Province then engaged anOrnithological Behaviorist to determine the
disproportionate percentages fortruck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows
eat road kill, they always post a "look-out crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of
impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow would say: "Cah",but he could not say "Twuck."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:38 am 
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2013 1:42 am 
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Here's a classic:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 26, 2013 5:31 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 26, 2013 5:38 pm 
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At the counter of the general store Lena asks Lars did he have any tampax.
Lars didn't know.
Lars yells to Sven workin in the back room, asking if they had any tampax for Lena.
Sven had bad ears, he thought Lars was asking thumbtacks for Lena.
Yah, Sven yelled back to Lars,wanting to know if Lena wanted the kind she
could push in with her thumb or the ones that needed to be pounded in with the hammer. :84


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 26, 2013 5:40 pm 
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Thanks kj :lol

I forgot about Sven and Lena joke.... got any more?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 26, 2013 6:02 pm 
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I always have a Sven joke, here is a good one for Easter.

Sven, Lars and Ole were playing some cards on Saturday.
Tomorrow is Easter, Ole told Sven and Lars. Yah, Easter, my favorite holiday.
Why so, Sven asked Ole. Lars wondered, too.
Why because, Ole told them. Christ died for our sins so we should praise him when he rises.
And if he sees his shadow, there will be 6 more weeks of winter. :95


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 29, 2013 3:36 pm 
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An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a very rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
As appreciation for giving his blood, the Arab sent the scotsman a new BMW, some diamonds and $100,000, happy that his surgery could now go ahead.
A couple of months later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his previous kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye , laddie, but noo I hae Scots blood in ma veins!"

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