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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 1:21 am 
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This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
A Beretta Jetfire testimonial:
Here is her story:
While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 1:22 am 
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A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas. The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.' The man is incredulous and asks why. The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Sep 01, 2013 6:57 pm 
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Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes"

And he calmly returned to his seat.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:20 pm 
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A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,

'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

Again, he hears, 'Ribbit 9 Iron.'

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked.

He says to the frog,

'Wow that's amazing..

You must be a lucky frog, eh?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Lucky frog.'

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

'What do you think frog?'

The man asks.

'Ribbit 3 wood.'

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,

Boom! Hole in one...

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,

'OK where to next?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit Las Vegas ..'

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,

'OK frog, now What?'

The frog says, 'Ribbit Roulette.'

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks,

'What do you think I should bet?'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit $3000, black 6.'

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!

Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.

He sits the frog down and says,

'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'

The frog replies,

'Ribbit KissMe.'

He figures why not,

Since after all the frog did for Him,

He deserves it...

'With a kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl,

And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Sep 17, 2013 9:00 am 
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Oh dear. Hahaaa Good one about the frog.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 6:20 am 
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Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything”.

The vendor makes the hot dog and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

“Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk.

The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Oct 26, 2013 11:07 pm 
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Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn’t paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man’s death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, “I’m sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.”

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, “Tell me, did he suffer?”

“I don’t think so,” said the foreman: “He got out three times to go to the men’s room.”

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Nov 04, 2013 2:30 am 
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A man walks into a pub with a giraffe. They drink at a furious pace until the giraffe can't stand up any more. The man puts his coat on and gets ready to leave. "Hey!" says the barman, "You can't leave that lying there!" The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and goes out of the door.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2013 3:39 pm 
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A polar bear walks into a bar.

The bartender comes over and asks, "what'll you have?"

The polar bear says, "I'll have ................................. a beer."

The bartender asks, "what's with the big pause?"

The polar bear says, "I dunno, I was born with them."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2013 9:08 am 
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Haha nice play on words in these last few.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 4:36 am 
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Top Star Wars Lines That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t

"Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"

"Put that thing away before you get us all killed."

"You've got something jammed in here real good."

"Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?"

"I can't, it's too big"

"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."

"Look at the size of that thing!"

"Ouch! Pay attention to what you're doing!"

"She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid."

"Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"

"Would it helped if I got out and pushed?
It might."

"This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart."

"Hurry up, golden-rod..."

"I don't like this.
Well, what would you like?"

"You didn't see us alone in the south passage."

"The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight down this trench and skim the surface to this point. It's a small thermal exhaust port, right below the main port."

"The shaft leads directly to the reactor system. A precise hit will start a chain reaction"

"Hey, point that thing someplace else."

"you don't have to do this to impress me"

"I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master."

"I never knew I had it in me."

"Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost... you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me Chewie."

"Just a few more seconds, just a few more seconds....
It's away!
It's a hit! -Negative. Negative! It didn't go in. It just impacted on the surface."

"Stabilize your rear deflectors"
"She's gonna blow!"

"I think you'll fit in nicely."

"Control, control! You must learn control!"

"I hope you know what you're doing. Yeah, me too."

"Rise, my friend."

"I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."

“Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!”

“ You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!”

“And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”

“It’s possible he came in through the south entrance.”

“I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?”

“That's OK, I like to keep it on manual control for a while.”

“There's an awful lot of moisture in here.”

"There is good in him, I've felt it."

"Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."

"Back door, huh? Good idea!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2013 10:56 pm 
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Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy .

One has a Cross in front of him; the other is holding the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money in the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.
The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar with the Cross, while none give to the beggar with the Star of David.
Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says,

"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."
The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turning to the beggar with the Cross, said, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2013 12:42 am 
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The Star War jokes are priceless! :Gslap

I'll never be able to keep from laughing the next time I watch it.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2013 3:59 pm 
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Miss Beatrice,

The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,' I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Dec 20, 2013 11:57 pm 
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It's Terrible to be Old

OLDER people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Rita, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then between her feet, and she even tried squeezin' it between her thighs, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep. None of us could get the jar open.'

Must be one of those child-proof lids.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 12:27 pm 
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ATTENTION!!!

Subject: the season in D.C.

There will be no nativity scene in Washington this year! This isn't for any
religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men in
the nation's Capital.

The search for a virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Dec 23, 2013 7:18 pm 
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:lol :lol

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Dec 25, 2013 2:20 pm 
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him
to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed
the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to
arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?






He never heard the gunshot. :D

From #BelovedUncleinNeiderland. Because this is how he thinks for Christmas...


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Dec 25, 2013 2:29 pm 
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:lol

I am really starting to like your Uncle, Deb. He helps you out AND seems to have a great sense of humour and outlook on life :cool

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Dec 25, 2013 2:48 pm 
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I love him to pieces! (He's a Republican but not a Teahadist.) But he is funny as a rubber crutch in a nursing home!


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