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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri May 31, 2013 6:09 pm 
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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your
husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another
Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one
tested positive for HIV(aids). We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with
him.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri May 31, 2013 6:09 pm 
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Cowboy: "Gimme 3 packets a condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 01, 2013 1:04 am 
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Everyone was drinking at the party.
Sven ends up in bed with Lena, Ole's wife.
Oh boy, Ole chuckles to his friends.
Look at Sven, Ole tells them, he's so drunk, he thinks he's me. :Gslap


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 01, 2013 1:16 am 
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Here is a joke, to pull on your friends. *Must have more than one friend for this joke*
And it's so dumb, that's what makes it funny. :95
Get with a couple people, and let them in on it.
Make sure there's at least one person who doesn't know the plan.
Tell said friends to laugh hysterically at the joke, even though it's completely stupid.
The left out guys don't get it, no matter what. :46

Here is the dumb joke you tell your mixed company:

Did ya hear the one about the two bears who were taking a shower?
*They all say no.*
Punchline: One dropped the soap and the other one yelled Radio! Radio!

The coached friends will laugh hysterically,
while the dummy's stare with their mouths open, :eek ,usually saying WTF? :87


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 02, 2013 2:33 am 
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A peanut sat on the railroad track.
His heart was all a flutter.
A train came crashing down the track.
Toot! Toot! Peanut butter! :NN27


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 3:15 am 
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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.



Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley .”



The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”



The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.” “What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician. “Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.”

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 08, 2013 12:42 pm 
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Understanding Engineers #3 - Blind Golfers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4 - Coming out of Retirement

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.

In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Understanding Engineers #5 - Mechanical vs. Civil Engineers

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #6 - Human Anatomy

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7 - If it Ain't Broke

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Understanding Engineers #8 - Wife vs. Mistress

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers #9 - The Frog Princess

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:25 am 
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The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo? "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ." "To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:26 am 
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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)
Spoiler:
God replied: I didn't recognize you!!!!!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 15, 2013 10:48 am 
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I think the rabbi should stop sending those foreskins to the IRS! :84

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:00 am 
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 22, 2013 9:19 pm 
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:lol Like Metallica sings it's "sad, but true"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 8:06 pm 
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An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 8:26 pm 
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:lol

Nice one, Joni

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jun 25, 2013 8:53 pm 
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Thanks Rump. Love yours, always!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 4:08 pm 
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Read this very carefully, the answer will astound you.


A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... Theman requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald......silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....


Spoiler:
... But,"HEY" I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk. :cool


DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO STARTED THIS!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 3:16 pm 
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An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old
man, "Sorry Sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned, but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from
there, I'm going to have to call the Manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the Manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the disheveled
man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

A police officer arrived, surveyed the situation and asked: "All
right buddy, what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where are you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,

Fred replied, "The balcony!"


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:39 pm 
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Poor Fred! :Gslap

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jul 01, 2013 7:51 pm 
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I am laughing too Mal!! :lol


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 12:00 am 
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High school Biology test



Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.



And then the student was stuck.



Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:



7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.



He got an A


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