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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 9:33 pm 
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:6 :84

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 2:30 pm 
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Talk About Bad News...
In a recent nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I’m circumcised!

Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver’s license photo and it was that same color, black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair.

But it’s a wheelchair!

That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I’m also disabled! I said to myself, aloud, “This is impossible! It’s impossible that I should be black and Jewish and disabled!”

“It’s the pure and holy truth,” whispers someone from behind me.

I turn around, and it’s my boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a Mexican boyfriend.

Oh, my God ..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!!

Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, I try to pull my hair, and Oh, nooooo ....I’m bald!!!

The telephone rings. It’s my brother. He is saying, “Since mom and dad died, the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing nothing. Get a job, you worthless piece of crap... Any job!”

Mom? Dad? Nooooo ..... Now I’m also an unemployed orphan!

I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan, but he doesn’t get it.

Frustrated, I hang up. It’s then I realize I only have one hand!!!

With tears in my eyes, I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker...Pacemaker??

Besides being black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.

At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, “Sweetie pie amigo, love, my little black heart-throb, have you decided what you are going to wear to Washington to meet Obama?”

Say it isn’t so!!! Now I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug-addicted, Jewish homosexual on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please.....

Oh dear God, please don’t tell me I’m a Democrat!”


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:40 pm 
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:D

You might upset all the Democrats here Joni :)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jul 08, 2013 9:28 pm 
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Just a good joke, all in good fun. WE need some good joke/laughs - now. :roll


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:00 pm 
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jul 20, 2013 9:51 pm 
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:eek


:Gslap

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:02 pm 
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished, the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished, the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

Spoiler:
The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over, the country’s gone to hell, so it's a local call. "
:slap

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:19 am 
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends, etc.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:21 am 
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An Italian Honeymoon !!!

After returning from his honeymoon with his bride Virgina, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in
Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep down to Florida?"

Luigi, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she packa big basket a food. ...

She brought da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'No eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car..' So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga 'is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

So we go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to our sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada .... and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolk Virginia ! Nofolk Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus...."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:23 am 
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An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'


I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

“'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be m ore to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nono'sdead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2013 12:24 am 
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A man in rural Minnesota wakes up one morning to find a bear on his
roof so he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough, there's an
ad for "Up North Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear
remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a
ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean old pit
bulldog.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there, and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for
me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 4:24 am 
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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like
construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have
a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when
he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..
Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:24 am 
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Thanks all for posting such funnies! Much appreciated. :)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 10:33 am 
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Just found this tread, thanks to the new post! ;)

I really needed to chuckle this morning!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2013 1:23 pm 
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This is certainly the place for some laughs, BertaBlue - be careful though: If you stay too long in this thread, you're likely to be crying from laughing so hard! :)

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2013 11:49 pm 
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Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

Spoiler:
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 12:37 am 
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Dave and his wife are having dinner at a fancy restaurant. A smoking-hot redhead walks up, gives Dave a passionate kiss, and walks away. Dave’s wife is stunned. “Who was THAT?”

“That’s my mistress,” Dave replies. His wife explodes in fury, “That’s it! I want a divorce!!”

“Well, if that’s really what you want,” Dave calmly answers. “But bear in mind, you signed an iron-clad pre-nup. So, if we divorce, there’ll be no more new Ferrari in the driveway, no more American Express Black Card, no more trips to Paris and Cancun. But, you have to do what you feel is right.”

Dave goes back to his meal, and his wife sees a stunning blonde walk in and head for their friend Jim, who’s sitting a few tables down. The blonde gives Jim a smoldering kiss and walks off. “Who was that?” asks Dave’s wife.

“That’s Jim’s mistress.”

“Hmf. Ours is prettier.”

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 17, 2013 9:27 am 
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:lol :lol Thanks, Rumpole!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 1:19 am 
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An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,
Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: >
"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 24, 2013 1:20 am 
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A seven year old boy has created legal history today in an Edinburgh courtroom after a judge allowed him to choose who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the courtroom by explaining that the aunt beat him more than his parents and that he refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of his family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and to confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Hibernian Football club, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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