A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and Ihave to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?

The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional . 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood ,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous , drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,....'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

ANOTHER REASON TO LOVE OLD WOMEN.......

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. The young gunslinger looked at the old woman and laughed, saying, "Hey Old Woman, have you ever danced?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF - STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:
1 - NEVER BE ARROGANT.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'








Long Pause









Longer Pause









Even Longer Pause








Then Daddy says,








'Swimming pool? ...........








Is this 486-5731?'











No, I think you have the wrong number ...

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the car comes to a stop.

Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check--you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but it was old. "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy. Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nancy. The chauffeur replies, “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy. "I just knocked on the door and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Confused?

I become confused when I hear the word
"Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

US Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Federal, State, City, & public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to 'Service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I .

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

_________________

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Did you hear about the two blondes
who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

My wife won't like it!

One day I accidentally overturned my cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

“Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It’s Jack , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later. "

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, ”but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching dirty stuff."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what “dirty stuff” was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Harley and Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.

He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple ,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.
But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.

l'll do the fucking dishes!

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

_________________

Q. Why do Marxists drink iced tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A man was about to tee off on the first hole. A second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even for the first few holes. The second man said, "Clearly, we're about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first man said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second golfer won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they walked off after #18, the second man happily counted his $80 winnings. Then he confessed that he was a pro at a neighboring course and that he liked to pick on suckers.

The first golfer revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic; he offered to return the money.

The priest said, "You won fair and square: I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro asked, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light