For "senior" RT members......


Robert’s Wedding


Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . ...

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says:

'You mean I was here already?'


PS..
Have I posted this joke before?

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

So, losing your memory may not be so bad!

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A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks: "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... my bike's parked over there", and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks: "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies: "Yep... drink like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker asks: "Do you smoke?"
The lady replies: "Yep... smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day. I'm shooting pool."
Very impressed the biker asks: "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The old lady thinks for a minute and says: "Nope, ... but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A policeman spots a black guy dancing on the roof of a car.

He radios for backup, saying... "I've got a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen."

"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use politically correct terminology."

"OK" he says "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

You know you're from Houston when...

You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still
haven't left the city limits. (During rush hour, you haven't left your neighborhood.)

Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.

The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.

If you want to be a snob about your grocery shopping, you can go to
Randall's Flagship, Rice Epicurean Market or a Kroger's Signature.

You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.

When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you know he just stepped in a fire ant bed.

You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World.

You come to work in short-sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a cold front has blown through, and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees in a matter of minutes.

You wander into a section of town where you can't read the street signs
but you don't care because you can get great prices on fake designer merchandise there.

You go to an art festival on Westheimer and you're almost run down by two cross-dressers on roller blades, holding hands.

You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window-shop.

You know that "Dad gummit" has nothing to do with your father's failure
to practice good dental hygiene.

You think "Y'all" is perfectly good usage if you're referring to more than one person.

You've never seen I-45 in any condition other than under-construction --
and you've lived here for 20-30 years.

If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a good hair day.

The only real Mexican food is Tex-Mex.

ETA: And everyone knows that the Beltway is our answer to NASCAR.

THE TINY CABIN

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of West Virginia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Funny!

_________________

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck..

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,

"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Bill Clinton started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.


With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.


"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton

This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"

One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,
Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then,
from the sidewalk,
the hooker yelled...
See what you get for five bucks asshole!?"

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the
flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family
or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia
back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew
left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for
being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never
seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for
twenty years."


Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

It was inevitable given the news out of UK about Horse meat in the food chain



- A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat Burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable

- Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

- Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had a £5 each way !

- Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter The pony that she's always wanted!

- had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth

- Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

- anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?

- "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

- I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

- Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.

- A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

- I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

- These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead..
NO! NO NO NO!

- Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots

- To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

- Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of ...SHERGARS BUM

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike..!

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was Bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me; she couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister". Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word, She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son...'

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

_________________
Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light