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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 11:42 pm 
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Modern Customer Service and "Rapid Response" (LOL)

From a UK contact, but theme very applicable in USA and elsewhere, I am sure:


This is a genuine complaint (email thread) to/from Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.


A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written.....

--------------
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
??????? Image

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer
Image
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ???????Image
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to the living one of the McWhirter twins for inclusion in his next Guinness Book of Records.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
????????? Image

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

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 Post subject: Re: Random Real Life
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 1:18 pm 
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Men arrested after deputy finds calf in backseat
Associated Press – Mon, Apr 2, 2012

CARLSBAD, N.M. (AP) — New Mexico authorities have arrested three men found with a 220-pound calf in the backseat of their car.

The Carlsbad Current Argus reports that the men are accused of cattle rustling. They were jailed on charges of suspicion of larceny of livestock, conspiracy, lack of a bill of sale and exporting livestock.

Luna County sheriff's office says a deputy pulled over their Honda Civic on Friday and saw the animal sharing the backseat with one of the alleged thieves.


http://news.yahoo.com/men-arrested-depu ... 20427.html

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:29 am 
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OMG Rumpy where do you find these "news" articles? Too funny!!!
:31 :12 :93

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 3:08 am 
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This story has a funny side... though it is a very serious crime involved.... it is illustrative of a certain "Ozzie" characteristic.... If the crime were something a lot less serious......


Foul-mouth jailed for attempted murder
Rae Wilson | 14th June 2012 6:10 PM
Updated: 15th June 2012 1:23 PM

WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE

AN explosion of filthy language more likely to be heard in a bar or on a rugby field than in a supreme court spewed from the mouth of a man on attempted murder charges.

David Allan Baker, who also uses the surname Baldwin, had just sacked his solicitor which resulted in his entire legal team withdrawing just before his trial was about to begin.

What followed was a tirade directed at Justice Martin Daubney where he called the judge a "silly old c***", "fatso" and "lardarse".

He told the justice to "stick your trial up your f***ing arse" and told him to order a pizza too.

Despite Baldwin interrupting the justice at every turn, usually swearing, Justice Daubney remained calm.

"Yeah, I don't know what you're f***in' talking about, you silly old c***," Baker said.

"Thank you for that submission," Justice Daubney said.

....more at link
http://www.sunshinecoastdaily.com.au/st ... d-rampage/

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:02 pm 
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Hi Rumps and fellow posters.
I'm glad you put this up, I read it again this morning and pissed myself laughing.
It's even funnier the second time around.
Then my daughter in law came down and I showed it to her and she read it out loud and it was even funnier when someone reads it to you.
The reason its extra funny to me is that it sounds just like my late husband.
He used to curse like this but he did it in a way that was funny as all get out.
We'd often say something just to PISS him off to SET him off.
So I can hear this guy in Bob's voice when I read it.

I have to give points to the Judge too, what a cool dude.
I was waiting for him to lose it and slap a contemp charge on him but no, cool as a cucumber.
Thanks Rumps :28


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:06 pm 
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You have to put the crime out of your head totally,
pretend he stole a packet of fags or something.
Otherwise it's definately not funny.
Or call it black humour, a little of that never hurt anyone.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:07 pm 
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Hi Again alhs :86

The story made me laugh out loud (not much does that)... thanks for alerting me to it.

I did wonder if it would be funny to some people? But... it's so like a typical Ozzie..and I aplaud the irreverance toward authority.... shame its such a violent crime involved... now if he was arguing against some petty Government regulation .. he'd be a hero.

And yes... the judge was super cool about it too.... only in Australia :24

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:09 pm 
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Alonghotsummer wrote:
Hi Rumps and fellow posters.
I'm glad you put this up, I read it again this morning and pissed myself laughing.
It's even funnier the second time around.
Then my daughter in law came down and I showed it to her and she read it out loud and it was even funnier when someone reads it to you.
The reason its extra funny to me is that it sounds just like my late husband.
He used to curse like this but he did it in a way that was funny as all get out.
We'd often say something just to PISS him off to SET him off.
So I can hear this guy in Bob's voice when I read it.

I have to give points to the Judge too, what a cool dude.
I was waiting for him to lose it and slap a contemp charge on him but no, cool as a cucumber.
Thanks Rumps :28



I just read the transcript at that link. :84 To me, it sounds like Rumpy when he gets mad! :31

:47

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:14 pm 
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We really are a rough, uncooth lot, I'm aware, but if nothing else we do have a sense of humour.
Although it doesn't go down well everywhere.

I feel like I'm in a huge house with dozens of rooms and I know there are a couple of people around by I havn't got a clue what room their in.
So what goes here?
Where does everyone meet and talk?


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:31 pm 
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I'm gonna move some of this chat.... don't get confused people

Ongoing Chat moved.......

http://randomtopics.org/viewtopic.php?f=45&t=58&p=8090#p8090

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:44 pm 
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Writer's hairy armpits shock nation
OLIVIA HAMBRETT
Last updated 28/06/2012

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Recently, Irish writer Emer O'Toole issued something of a call to arms in London's Vagenda Magazine.

She encouraged women to press pause on their hair removal regimes and contemplate the idea of letting hair do what it does best: grow.

An article in the Guardian followed and then an appearance on breakfast television, upon which O'Toole raised her arms and proudly showed the effects of not taking a razor to her armpits for eighteen months.

Effects which are, let's face it, quite natural. Because, let's face it once more, growing hair is quite natural, despite the overwhelming belief otherwise.

The result of O'Toole's tussocky arms being broadcast to a breakfasting England was an uproar of mixed sentiment.

...more at link
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/beaut ... ock-nation

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:16 pm 
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Yes, it's natural, but not very attractive, IMHO! :13

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:43 pm 
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From MSN: http://now.msn.com/voyeurs-not-art-lovers-visit-museums-nude-installation


Museum can't believe visitors came to see naked chicks

Workers at London's National Gallery are shocked that some visitors to their all-nude "Diana" installation are less interested in Renaissance artist Titian than they are in, um, tits. The live recreation, staged by contemporary artist Mark Wallinger and based on Titian's series of "Diana" paintings, allows highbrow voyeurs to peer through a peephole to watch one of six naked models (all named Diana) as she bathes herself. The paintings that inspired Wallinger are also being displayed together for the first time since the 18th century, but T&A are a bigger draw than Titian ever was.

One National Gallery employee said "We really have sunk to new lows with this idea. Image These visitors have no interest in art at all."


Image


From The Daily Mail:

Curators disturbed by 'dirty old men' at the National Gallery: Titian peepshow attracts unwelcome audience


...The Diana installation, part Metamorphosis: Titian 2012, was conceived by Turner Prize winner Mark Wallinger, whose previous work includes a video of himself dressed as a bear wandering aimlessly around a gallery. His piece is inspired by Titian’s Diana paintings, in which the hunter Actaeon stumbles upon the chaste goddess as she bathes.

Since the show opened last week, men have been sidling up to staff and asking for directions to ‘the peepshow thingy’.
One has visited five times in just seven days, while some older men have even complained to staff about the quality of the nudes – and the small size of the peepholes. One worker, who wished to remain anonymous, told the Daily Mail: ‘The gallery used publicity shots of the youngest and prettiest model, and dirty old men have got a bit aggressive that [most of the] models are women in their late forties and fifties.’

Last week the Mail observed a series of lone men peering through each peephole to study the model from every available angle. Few paid any interest to the three Diana paintings, which are being shown together for the first time since the 18th century.
‘I’ve come to the gallery just for this,’ one youth admitted. An older man, on being approached, muttered ‘sorry’ and fled, shielding his face.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2174036/Titian-peepshow-brings-unwelcome-audience-National-Gallery.html

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 8:56 pm 
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Damn.... went to find pics.... and there just aren't any with "Tits"

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Mark Wallinger's Diana: 'Voyeurism is only really exciting if it is illicit'


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Titian’s nymphs (Diana and Actaeon, 1556-9)

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 16, 2012 9:00 pm 
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You are not supposed to go to the museum to look at the tits! You're supposed to appreciate the paintings (of tits)!! :62

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2012 12:39 am 
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Ocean City bikini parade falls short
August 25, 2012
By Chris Kaltenbach, The Baltimore Sun

Hundreds show up, but not enough to overtake world record set by China

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A persistent drizzle that occasionally morphed into a driving rain helped China retain its bikini parade
crown Saturday, as only 325 women – out of the thousand-plus needed — answered Ocean City's call
to stage its own parade of world-record proportions.

Still, spirits were high during the parade, which ran from the Princess Royale on 91st Street north to the
Carousel Resort Hotel, a total of some 25 blocks. The weather even cooperated at least a bit when the
rain let up just in time for the start at 3:15 p.m. Scores of bikini-clad infants, girls and women, ranging in
age from a few weeks to well into their 60s, began the march from beneath U.S. and Maryland flags,
cheering and showing off their best beach struts.

http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2012-0 ... sort-hotel

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2012 5:39 pm 
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‘Missing’ woman unknowingly joins search for herself
By Ron Recinto

A woman who was reported missing while holidaying in Iceland was oblivious to the fact that people were searching for her and even joined in the hunt herself.

The woman, who is described as being Asian and speaking fluent English, was deemed missing around Eldgjá in Iceland's south on Saturday, local news website Morgunblaðið reports.

The search continued over the weekend but failed to locate the woman.

However, on Monday the woman realised what had happened and informed police.

The woman said she had changed her clothes when the bus made a stop but passengers must not have realised it was the same person and reported her missing.

The other passengers also failed to realise that a seemingly new person — who closely resembled the missing woman — had appeared on the bus and joined them in the search effort.

The woman said she had no idea she was the subject of search efforts and said she too had done her best to help find the missing tourist.

...more at link
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/mi ... 49353.html

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 4:23 pm 
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Oldest Message In A Bottle: 97-Year-Old Note Sets New World Record
Posted: 08/30/2012 1:18 pm
Updated: 08/30/2012 1:18 pm

When Scottish skipper Andrew Leaper hauled in his nets on April 12, little did he know that they carried more than the usual catch of monkfish and cod. Instead, Leaper set a new world record.

Guinness World Records announced that Leaper caught the world's oldest message in a bottle east of Shetland, confirming that the bottle spent 97 years and 309 days at sea.

The bottle was released on June 10, 1914, by Captain CH Brown of the Glasgow School of Navigation, who used bottles with messages as part of a scientific experiment to chart water currents. The launch of this particular bottle, which carried a postcard promising six pence to the finder, was noted in Brown's logbook, according to Guinness.

The BBC reports that by chance, Leaper was aboard the same fishing boat -- the Copious -- that found the previous record-holding bottle. That bottle was caught in 2006 by Leaper's friend Mark Anderson. "It was an amazing coincidence," Leaper told the BBC. "It's like winning the lottery twice."

Scottish news channel STV reports that Leaper has donated the bottle to the Fetlar Interpretative Centre in Shetland.

315 of the 1,890 scientific research bottles that the Glasgow School of Navigation sent out have been found so far, Bloomberg notes.

....more at link
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/3 ... _ref=world

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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 7:25 pm 
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Rumpole wrote:
‘Missing’ woman unknowingly joins search for herself
By Ron Recinto

A woman who was reported missing while holidaying in Iceland was oblivious to the fact that people were searching for her and even joined in the hunt herself.

The woman, who is described as being Asian and speaking fluent English, was deemed missing around Eldgjá in Iceland's south on Saturday, local news website Morgunblaðið reports.

The search continued over the weekend but failed to locate the woman.

However, on Monday the woman realised what had happened and informed police.

The woman said she had changed her clothes when the bus made a stop but passengers must not have realised it was the same person and reported her missing.

The other passengers also failed to realise that a seemingly new person — who closely resembled the missing woman — had appeared on the bus and joined them in the search effort.

The woman said she had no idea she was the subject of search efforts and said she too had done her best to help find the missing tourist.

...more at link
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/mi ... 49353.html



:46 BBM

Not one person noticed? :40

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 Post subject: Re: Random Real Life
PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 9:01 pm 
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Nude swimmers Welcome Spring in NZ

Nude swimmers make a splash in Oriental Bay
Last updated 12:24 01/09/2012

Image

Seventeen brave - and naked - souls took to the water in Oriental Bay this morning to welcome in the first day of spring.

And one of them walked away with $1000 for his troubles.

The stunt was part of a radio station promotion, with one randomly-selected winner pocketing a grand.

Nineteen-year-old winner Luke McElwee said the prize was worth the discomfort.

''It was pretty cold. I went a bit numb in there, but it was good. It was fun doing it once you were there.''

Not everyone had quite so much fun though.

Dave Jarvis, 31, did not win the cash. Instead he left bloodied and bandaged after face-planting his water entry.

''I was pretty excited to have a swim with no clothes on. I dived in. I was a bit anxious to get myself in the water, since I was naked.

''I pretty much just hit the bottom. There were some shells and I cut myself up.''

Mr Jarvis received cuts to his nose, chin, chest, arms, knees and feet, he said.

Despite the mishap, he said "'it was a great morning.''

The event was organised by radio station ZM to celebrate the beginning of spring.

article at link
http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/ca ... iental-Bay

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