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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:12 pm 
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A Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.


About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.

He went to the club to inquire as to why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?

Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.

Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?

Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.

Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?

Scot: Aye, and neither do I.

Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?

Scot: Aye, I also do the same.

Secretary: But you are a Jew?

Scot: Aye, I be that.

Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?

Scot: Aye, I be that, too.

Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in
the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.


Scot: Ach, I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen and I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus but this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2014 9:44 pm 
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Things we Learned in Hebrew School worth repeating

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana

2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for gin rummy.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstrom's.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead; fall back; winters in Boca.

14. Gentiles leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not Kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. If you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .


Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards:

Under the same management for over 5,774 years.

Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."


More Jewish Stuff

1. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

2. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

3. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moshe asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

4. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed andsays, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?" Gevarter replies, "I make a living...."

5. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck." At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter."

6. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy." The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy." The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

7. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything alright?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2014 5:28 pm 
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H/T Joni..................

Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

********************************************************************************************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
Where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
A few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

*****************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
Of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... No. In fact,
He got out three times to pee."

******************************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
His Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

*********************************************************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 02, 2014 2:56 pm 
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H/T Joni....
(Joke that has an alternative punch-line)

Prison Joke Book

It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!

Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.

A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.

"What's going on, here?" asked Mickey.

"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.

That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out **** "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing.

Mickey rapped on the cell wall.

"Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.

"I don't understand it," asked Mickey, "Why is Tommy STILL laughing?"

"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one before!"

Alternative Punch-line
Spoiler:
Then Mickey called out "55" - - and nobody laughed. He asked the guy in the next cell what was wrong?

The guy answered -

"WELL SOME PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO TELL A JOKE - AND OTHERS DON'T!!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:15 pm 
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"Mom, can I wear a dress?"

"No"

"Mom can I wear makeup?"

"No"

"Mom, can I have a boyfriend?"

"No"

"But mom, I'm 18!"

"I know Kevin, I know."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:23 pm 
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If you force a hooker to have sex with you is that consider rape? Or shoplifting...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:28 pm 
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They say penis size is related to shoe size, Which makes the fear of being raped by a clown that much scarier.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 3:44 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jul 27, 2014 5:15 pm 
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A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries? "

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 4:42 pm 
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Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole
lot of clothes and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause
if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and
try to screw us.. I'll put on my best English accent."

"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da
business" said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice,"Hello my good man. I'll take
50 suits at £5.00 each,100 shirts at £2..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers
at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 04, 2014 7:46 am 
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Women only call me ugly until they found out how much money I make.

Spoiler:
Then they call me ugly and poor. :doh

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 14, 2014 7:06 pm 
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Subject: Mechanic vs. Cardiologist

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2014 6:01 am 
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Three Blondes Make a Wish
There was three blondes stranded on a island far, far away. They saw a magic bottle floating on the water. They retrieved it and they went ahead and rubbed it, a genie came out and said " thank you very much ladies". The genie said, "just letting me out, I will grant you all one wish and one wish only", so all three blondes were really excited.

The first blonde said "I want to be rich and have a big mansion with a big swimming pool, and poof, she was gone having a good time.

The second blonde said, "I want to be a millionaire and own a plane with a cute husband to take care of me and travel the world", and poof, she was of with her husband having a good time.

Then the third blonde was so sad that her friends left, and the genie asked, "what is wrong?". The blonde said, you know what I wish? "I wish my friends were back here with me", and poof, the other two blondes appeared, and all three were back together again.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2014 12:47 am 
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If I Die First... Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2014 8:37 pm 
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Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.

'Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Nov 08, 2014 11:08 pm 
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A police officer goes to the barber and the barber gives him a fine hair cut. The barber refuses the officers money and tells him, “Thanks for your service officer, the cut is on the house.”

The next day the barber finds a dozen donuts on his barber chair.

A fireman goes to the barber and gets his hair cut. He goes to pay the barber and the barber says, “No sir, thank you for keeping the neighborhood safe.”

The next day the barber finds a dozen firehouse muffins sitting on his barber chair.

A politician goes to the barber and gets a haircut. The barber says, thank you for your service to our country, your haircut is on the house.

The next day there are a dozen politicians lined up for free haircuts.


:cry

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 12, 2015 2:36 pm 
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The Seven Magic Words.

With these words you will have a new understanding of issues you have contemplated at length.

If these word words were spoken years ago we would have entirely different influences in music, movies, language, morals, dress, education standards and fatherless families.

If these words were spoken years ago we would have a much smaller national deficit.

If these words were spoken years ago we would have had almost no turmoil in America.

If these words were spoken years ago we would have all of our cities prospering as well as the small towns in America.

If these words were spoken years ago we would have no need for gun control laws and we would have very little violence or crime in America.

If these words were spoken years ago all citizens would be productive members of society in America.

If these words were spoken years ago there would be no food stamps, welfare, free housing, Head Start programs and hundreds of other government give away programs

Imagine just how great this country would be if only we had said:

The Seven Words:
1. We
2. Should
3. Have
4. Picked
5. Our
6. Own
7. Cotton

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 1:41 am 
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H/T Joni......

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man," it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your f... ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2015 3:24 am 
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One for St Patrick's day.....

Irish Brothel
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, looks up and down the street, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, looks up and down the street, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the Rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

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PostPosted: Wed Mar 18, 2015 3:25 am 
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Why Hillbillies Make Good Marines
Dear Ma & Pa, Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings. Like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

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