It is currently Sat May 27, 2017 1:31 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 269 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Dec 25, 2013 2:52 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
Republican, you say? Not a Libtard at all?
All sounds good to me..... :cool

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Jan 06, 2014 7:01 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 10:17 pm
Posts: 2470
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English:

1. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila ...... Floor.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?" she said if she...Told me, it would defeat the purpose.

4. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

5. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

7. Is there another word for synonym?

8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

9. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

10. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

11. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

12. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

13. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

14. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

15. If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

16. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

18. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

19. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

20. How is it possible to have a civil war?

21. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

22. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

24. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

25. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

26. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

27. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

28. Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only', the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 5:41 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
H/T Stella at CTH.....

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Montana. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. That’s $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. That’s $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure? “The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the Government works.

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 07, 2014 7:18 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:37 pm
Posts: 406
And, yet so true. That's not funny! Well sort of!
:30


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 08, 2014 4:19 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 10:17 pm
Posts: 2470
A new priest, born and raised in Arkansas , comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit! What happened next?' "


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:24 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 10:17 pm
Posts: 2470
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level)

5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:41 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:37 pm
Posts: 406
LOL

:Gslap


I was, like, 50 lbs! what?!


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jan 14, 2014 10:25 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:27 pm
Posts: 6259
Location: Beautiful South Florida
Me too! :84

_________________
Image
Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 2:31 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2012 10:17 pm
Posts: 2470
Deep Thoughts

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
27. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
28. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just go "chunky dunk."
29. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place.
30. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?
31. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
32. Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Jan 24, 2014 12:43 am 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
H/T Stella at CTH.....


Puns for educated minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

14. A backward poet writes in verse.

15. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

16. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .

17. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

20. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

21. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

22. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 1:25 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the
baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very
professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't
have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 7:45 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 6:48 pm
Posts: 692
Location: SW Scotland
These were sent to me this morning from a friend in the ~States - they are so cute. It's a shame we grow up and lose our innocence when you read these...........

How do you decide whom to marry? Priceless!

(written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Joe, age 10
:Gslap

_________________
ImageSince we are destined to live out our lives in the prison of our minds, our one duty is to furnish it well~Peter Ustinov

Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Mar 24, 2014 10:44 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:27 pm
Posts: 6259
Location: Beautiful South Florida
Smart kids! #'s 3, 4 & 5 (Martin) had me rolfing. :lol

_________________
Image
Image


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 25, 2014 5:41 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the leather shop now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.00, they'll probably take it.If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks ...,
"Anyone knows whose phone this is?"

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2014 4:01 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'

They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'

The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles, ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:01 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
A woman makes an appointment with her doctor. She goes to the doctor's office and during the examination she says, "Doctor, I've got a problem that i am deeply concerned about. I keep farting all the time, they don't smell or make a sound but I am constantly farting all the time, in fact I've farted 15 times since you've stepped in the room to exam me, I'm very worried that there is something wrong with me." the doctor writes her a prescription and says,

"take 2 of these a day and see me in a week"

The woman comes back in a week and says,

"these pills aren't helping, in fact I'm even worse, I'm still farting all the time, they still don't make any noise, but now they smell horrible"

the doctor says "good, we've cleared up your sinuses, now let's work on your hearing"

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:05 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
TWO COWS ~ {Matthias Varga}

SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:07 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
One fer Scottish readers... Jimmy

Erchie, a lifelong Rangers supporter, had great centre stand tickets for the Celtic v Rangers Scottish Cup Final.
As he was sitting down, a fellow Rangers supporter came over and asked if anyone was sitting in the seat next to him. "Naw," Erchie said, "the seat is empty."
"That's incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would huv a seat like that furra Scottish Cup Final and no use it? Especially as Rangers are aboot tae gie thae Tims a right guid hammering."
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away." said Erchie. "This is the first Scottish Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Och......I'm really sorry tae hear that. That's terrible so 'tis. But could ye no find someone else - a pal, a relative, or even a neighbour tae take the seat?" Erchie shook his head.
"Naw, they're all at the funeral."

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:09 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away.

They did spreadsheets,
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent out e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
They did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the two hours were up lightening flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.

Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved, all to no avail. The electricity stayed off. But after a bit the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.

Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus' work?"

Jesus just sat and smiled. Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done. As Jesus turned his computer back on the screen glowed and when he pushed "print," it was all there.

"How did he do it?" Satan asked.

God smiled and said, "Jesus Saves."

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2014 5:10 pm 
Offline
ADMIN
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 44256
Location: Pomeroy's Wine Bar
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.

He leaned the old 12 gauge shotgun against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of a few ounces of buckshot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to... and
there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.

Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"Da bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic
surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis
Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers,
so you don't pee in your eye."

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


Top
 Profile  
Reply with quote  
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 269 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group