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 Post subject: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 6:24 am 
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Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he
fixed it up nice picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach
trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee..

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast...!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2012 6:25 am 
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How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Image

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with jojoba.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Image


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Image

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wee.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee again.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again. Take special note that it seems bigger after the hot shower.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Image

Throw wet towel on bed.


I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

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Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
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Last edited by Maltese Mama on Sun Apr 01, 2012 12:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Mal couldn't resist adding naughty, but funny smilies!!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:20 am 
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There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning.

I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and

asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the you know what out of me!

Nobody ever let me in before."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:22 am 
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An old man walked into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he told the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber got a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and told him to put it inside his cheek to spread the skin out.

When he'd finished, the old man told the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied: "I would have told you to bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:23 am 
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From the Chief of Police:

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care. Well, here is a story that shows not all cops are in that category.


The Pascagoula, MS Police Department reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the Pascagoula River near the I-10 Bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Pascagoula . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.


The Police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.


Police do care.


Thank You

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:13 pm 
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THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little Old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2012 6:30 am 
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FISHING:


A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game Warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
...
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers.
These here are my pet fish.""Pet fish?? Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into My net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of horse sh-t...you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.



MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city
Slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:09 am 
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Hell

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:11 am 
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Tetanus Shot

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch and starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, " Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:17 am 
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Quickie

Bill and Marla decided the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making love." Mom and Dad bolted upright in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony, too," his son replied.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:24 am 
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Condoms

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly colored packages and the different types and the different quantities.

The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms for?"

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."

The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon."

"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?"

The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2012 2:25 am 
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After the Honeymoon

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2012 10:12 pm 
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A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and

began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get

the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm,

he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,

for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a

length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the

chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a

hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's

bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,

and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,

Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon,

he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large

puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down

thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,

saving his life.


The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley

To Pick Up Chicks!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 4:17 pm 
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There are two pieces of tarmac sitting by the side of the bar, and they are having a drinking contest, to see which one is the hardest.

After 12 shots of Effen Vodka, both pieces of tarmac are still unphased, when suddenly the door opens and a red piece of tarmac walks in. On seeing the red piece of tarmac, one piece of tarmac runs straight for the toilets.

An hour later, he ventures out and discovers that the red piece of tarmac has left. The other piece of tarmac asks him why he ran off.

He replies "Haven't you heard about him? He's a bit of a cycle-path!" :13

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 4:19 pm 
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This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the
convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has
his way.
Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"
She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home
from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped
me twice, unless you're tired."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Apr 23, 2012 8:24 pm 
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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done..' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2012 12:32 am 
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The Veterinarian
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity he approached her
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give so some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2012 3:27 pm 
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DA VINCI CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

Image

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

Image
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.

Image
You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

Image
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Image
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea.

Image
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.


Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says:

Image

"Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Broad"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 5:55 am 
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A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 6:29 am 
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This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day,
when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way.

Then the man sayeth unto her, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?"

She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from
the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice,
unless you're tired?"

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__________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


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