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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 1:56 am 
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The Irish Railway Company complaint letter:

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Jul 17, 2012 9:56 pm 
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I love the train joke!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 11:47 pm 
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These 3 jokes may not make a lot of sense to US readers....but if you are familiar with the UK Yorkshire accent they make sense, e bah gum! :31

Yorkshire Jokes :

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshire man: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom ?"
Yorkshire man: "Nay, I've browt it wi' us."


***

A Yorkshire man’s dog dies and as it was a favorite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweler to remember the dog by.
Yorkshire man: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweler: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshire man: "No I want it chewing' a bone, yer daft begger!"

***
A Yorkshire man’s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flaming' "e" out!
The stone mason apologizes and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 7:28 pm 
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I understand the second and third jokes, but haven't figured out the first one. :40

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 7:59 pm 
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Translation:

"Is it a tom " = Is it at Home?

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 10, 2012 8:03 pm 
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OH!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 1:02 am 
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 9:25 pm 
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:31 :31 :31

She should hide the remote more often! :43

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 11:41 pm 
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Far far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean , two prawns
were swimming around in the sea - one was called Justin and the
other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks
that inhabited the area.

Finally, one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."

A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by
his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause
of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and
behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realized he couldn't
see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides
to the enemy and became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,
he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old
friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back, "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........."




Spoiler:
"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 11:47 pm 
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Spoiler:
:31

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 3:54 am 
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When I was 16 ... I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so
I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 ... I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 ... I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up
with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as
happy.. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31... I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her.. She was so ambitious that
she divorced me and took everything I owned.

And so now, I am older and wiser and.....

Spoiler:
I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Aug 12, 2012 4:15 am 
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A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 13, 2012 7:42 pm 
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Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony: A very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night: Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 12:04 am 
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced..
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.



"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 2:22 am 
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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ..... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his fuckin' widow."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 2:33 am 
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 16, 2012 9:55 pm 
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Rumpole wrote:
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely.
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony: A very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night: Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic madam, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."



:94

I love this joke!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 1:20 am 
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An Australian man is seeking to join the Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good,
but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can
be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug
dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 11:26 am 
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FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------ Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------ Cant Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------ Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle --------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit- loving cousin ----------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ----------------- Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew --------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved 60s music ----------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .
there ya Gogh!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 5:38 pm 
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Oh how did I miss these jokes. Love the one about Frank. Poor cabbie. Hahaa And the Van Gogh is cute. And Ethel not dialing an outside line.

And I felt sorry for the rabbit too.

I like this one.

"Dear Lord, you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. You took my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite President is Barack Obama. Amen."


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