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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 5:52 pm 
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I like it Packy :24

A few political ones is OK.. but I have passed up some goodies so as to not stir up political argument :24

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Aug 21, 2012 7:18 pm 
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packy wrote:
Oh how did I miss these jokes. Love the one about Frank. Poor cabbie. Hahaa And the Van Gogh is cute. And Ethel not dialing an outside line.

And I felt sorry for the rabbit too.

I like this one.

"Dear Lord, you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze. You took my favorite actress, Farah Fawcett. You took my favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know that my favorite President is Barack Obama. Amen."


:84


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 5:28 am 
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About where its at really.

Make sure you read it right to the end........

1. Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and

inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the

preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and

squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly

profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be

offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling

licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and

Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He

has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not

have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be

a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details

circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to

court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is

released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a

camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for

harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.

While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on

the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and

pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos

sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly

tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and

is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced

£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government

contractor.

Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested

and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by

hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest

of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to

buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a

derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Iceland

and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million

pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest

losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as

it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and

he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back

on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash

back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.

If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the

governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK

with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests,

is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his

old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus's are

not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the

difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017
Spoiler:
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2012 5:55 am 
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The Colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.

While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung it open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Damn it, Evelyn !!!!!!!!!!!

I said a "BUTT LIGHT"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2012 5:31 pm 
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Two older women were having lunch together,
and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

Image

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you,
I'm getting a boob-job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing.
I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"

"Really" replied the first woman.
"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 3:26 am 
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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as AFL; The Ashes; Football and Golf Clubs

Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the
system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no
avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

..................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband
is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to
download Tears. Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that
application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery and Flowers.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband to
default to Grumpy Silence, Happy Hour or Beer.

Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are
unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck, Tech Support

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 3:35 am 
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Jesus knows...


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on..........

Spoiler:
A parrot.

Image



Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,

'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

Spoiler:
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Image

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 3:28 am 
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DOG FOR SALE

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA... In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2012 3:34 am 
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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie's pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out into orbit. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 6:05 am 
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Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute,
his regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that
this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in
the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was
told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse
himself from the dinner to look for the loo.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching
his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the loo.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a
door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he
had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President
whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding happened ...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 8:10 am 
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I knew he'd have a legitimate excuse. Hahaa

Now this one may be better in the men's thread not sure.

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOME DEPOT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.........

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2012 8:17 am 
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Ha ha.....
:31

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 3:19 pm 
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An Englishman was flying across the Pacific on Delta/Northwest and decided he had to go to the bathroom. So he got up and started walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door it malfunctioned, opened and he was sucked out.

Miraculously he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued. However, fifteen years passed and no one came to his rescue. Fortunately there was a spring on the island and he survived on coconuts and fish.

Finally one day, as he was drawing sand pictures at the beach, he sees a woman in a trim-fitting scuba outfit emerge from the ocean. She is beautiful! She says, "Are you Fred Quimby?" He says, "Why yes I am."

"Congratulations, I am from Rescue Inc., and we have been attempting to find you since you were lost. Now tell me, how long has it been since you've had a smoke?"

"Well, of course it's been about 15 years."

So she reaches down the front of her wet-suit on the left side and pulls out a package of Players cigarettes. "How in the world did you know that my favorite brand was Players?"

"We have researched all of your preferences very carefully Fred, we want to do a good job."

So as Fred is taking a deep, satisfying drag on his cigarette, the rescuer says, "And how long has it been since you've had a drink?"

"Well, that's fifteen years too." And so she reaches down inside the wetsuit on the other side and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

"How did you know that Jack Daniels was my favorite drink?"

"Well, Fred, as I said we have looked into all of those things too, do you mind if I have a drink too?"

"No, of course not." And they both put a couple away.

Then, as she starts to peel off the wet suit she says, "And tell me Fred, how long has it been since you've played around?"

"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 3:20 pm 
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An ant is walking through the woods and comes upon a huge hole. At the bottom of the hole is an elephant trying desperately to get out. Being a compassionate sort, the ant calls down "Say, Mr. Elephant, would you like some help?" The elephant, unable to get out by himself, quickly agrees. So the ant backs his Mercedes up to the hole and throws a rope to the elephant. When everything is tied off the ant jumps in the car and pulls the elephant out. The elephant is very grateful and offers to return the favor some time.

Sure enough, a short time later the ant, stuck in a hole, sees the elephant stroll by. He calls out for help to the elephant. We all know elephants never forget, so Mr Elephant is more than happy to help the ant. He stands over the hole and lowers his dick to the bottom. The ant walks right up the giant penis and out of the hole. The ant thanks the elephant and the two continue about their business.

The moral of the story is, "If you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2012 3:21 pm 
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I lived in DC when I was young, and dad used to take us on weekend trips south into the Carolinas, so that we could see what "real life'' was like. He'd just drive along the road for a while, then pull over at some farm and start talking to the people there.

Dad was chatting up a farmer's wife once, when I discovered this pig...

It was a nice pig, as pigs go. But it only had three legs. The right back leg was wooden! Well, I was as curious as could be, so I asked the farmer:

"Excuse me, sir. Why does your pig have a wooden leg?"

"Well, boy. That there is a courageous pig. The wife and me were asleep in the house one night, when that pig came running in and woke us up. The whole place was ablaze. We just got out alive."

"And the pig got its leg burned up in the fire?"

"Nope. Pig got out just fine. Matter of fact, he even went back in and saved the kids."

"Then why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

"I told you, boy. That is a BRAVE pig! A heroic pig! That pig saved our lives!"

"Yes, sir. But why does he have a wooden leg?"

"Boy, a pig like that, you don't eat all in one sitting!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 10:52 pm 
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There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted Organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another Organist. So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any of the green Persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the Pastor got up in the pulpit and said....

"Thdew tho thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:13 pm 
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch Hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk..

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 6:43 pm 
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A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen
stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is..."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the
down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords."
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the
doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter
anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't
like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to
stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Oct 09, 2012 8:16 pm 
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After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for a few days.

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

"No," he said. "I just thought we were getting along."

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Oct 31, 2012 2:53 pm 
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This is an oldie….but definitely a goodie…..





A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

”Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, ”Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

_________________
Image Do not go gentle into that good night.
___________ Rage, rage against the dying of the light


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