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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2015 10:01 pm 
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H/T Joni.....

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ...

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat May 23, 2015 10:10 pm 
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H/T Joni.....

THINGS THEY DIDN'T TEACH IN HEBREW SCHOOL
1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there's smoke, there may be salmon.
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASPs leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended.
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida.
=========================================

Signs on Synagogue Bulletin Boards
1. Under same management for over 5763 years.
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?," the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.\
"Yes, or no," she replied.
9. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name . .. and forgot to write a letter.
10. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, "Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

And one final favorite:
11. A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, "Is anything all right?"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 24, 2015 12:03 am 
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Thanks for posting Joni's jokes. These are priceless.
Nothing like a clean, funny joke.
I'm going to humor my son-in-law with one-liners all weekend. :D


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon May 25, 2015 3:24 pm 
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H/T Joni...

A guy meets a girl in a bar. They drink - talk - drink - talk.

Eventually, they leave and go to her place.

They go to the bedroom awhile, and eventually fall asleep.

The next morning he thought "OMG ... what did I do?"
He asked her "DO YOU have AIDS?"

She said "No I don't!"

He said "GOOD! I don't want that again!!!"

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 27, 2015 3:33 pm 
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Great jokes Joni. I think my favorite is: WASPs leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.

:Gslap

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 28, 2015 11:14 pm 
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Take your whiskey fishing with ya. :D

Life is good.

H/T kinthenorthwest

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 28, 2015 11:33 pm 
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A blatant ad.. disguised as a joke :roll

But that's OK.... so long as JD send me a bit of "product" Gnomesayin? :cool

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu May 28, 2015 11:51 pm 
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LMAO Molly, but damn it, a snake joke... Rump you said no more spiders or snakes :Gslap ...

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2016 2:29 am 
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